The Klutz Diaries
by zhaydel
Summary: this is about the memories of bella when she was human. all the embarassing and ridiculous stuff that happened to her with the cullens and she tells those memories with nessie and the rest of the family! ON-HOLD
1. Chapter 1

**i do not own anything!**

**this story is about the embarassing stuff that happened to bella when she was human. there are also some parts on how bella nearly harrassed the cullen boys. i know. how the hell did she did that? well you just got to wait and listen to bella as she tells her story to nessie and the rest of the family. Review please!**

**Chapter 1 mud bath extravaganza**

As i was organizing things in my study, i found my long lost friend covered in dust. I smiled at it and slapped myself mentally for not tellng nessie about this part of my human life. Even if those were embarassing, those memories were still part of me. I grabbed the green velvet covered journal and blew the dust off in one swift motion. I opened it carefully making sure i didn't tore the pages off seeing that it smelled and looked old. I grinned at the title and traced my fingers softly at the indention. I opened the first page and instantly cracked up.

"bella" i heard alice's voice from downstairs. I heard her soft footsteps comming up the stairs walking swiftly towards where i am. The door to my study opened then closed softly. I felt alice's tiny hands drag me to the couch and we both sat down.

She looked at me expecantly. "what?" i asked.

She rolled her eyes then huffed. "aren't you going to tell about this journal of yours?" she looked at me sternly.

"fine. But i want renesmee to be here too." I whined while alice grabbed her phone and dialed nessie's number.

After a moment of speaking, alice telling nessie that there is an emergency, she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around it looking comfortable as we waited for the others to come back from hunting.

3 minutes later...

"mom! What is it?" nessie burst into the room followed by jake and edward. The three of them looked frantically around the room and when their eyes laid on me, they instantly went on my side asking me questions if i am okay or if there is some kind of danger.

"relax! Alice called you because i wanted to tell you about something." I said after reassuring them again and again that everything is alright.

"then what do wanted to tell me mom?" nessie asked, curiousity burning in her eyes. I smiled lovingly at her and patted the seat next to me. She nodded and skipped to my side. Edward on the other hand must have heard it on alice's head on what i'm about to tell our daughter because his worried expression changed into a grin and he went to sit beside nessie.

"trust me honey, this is going to be great." Edward said while winking at me. Nessie looked between the two of us and she started to bounce from excitement.

"tell me! Tell me! Tell me!" she squealed while we laughed at her. Even though she is married for almost 3 years, she still is my baby girl.

"ehem" all of us looked at the side to see jake looking confused as hell and is staring at us like we all have two heads.

"can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?" he asked, exasperated.

"mom is going to tell her stories!" renesmee squealed.

"oh" was all jake said as he sat on the carpet.

"good doggie." Alice giggled beside me while jake growled at her.

"oh bite me!" she said as she rolled her eyes.

"no thank you. Rocks are not good for my health." Jake sneered.

I rolled my eyes at the two of them then said "are you guys done? I have a story to tell you know!"

"oh. Right. Carry on then." Alice said while looking at her nails.

"right. Okay." I opened the first page and i heard my daughter gasped beside me. She grabbed the attached picture and started laughing. _What happened mom?_ She asked through her touch because she couldn't find the strength to refrain from laughing. **(a/n: i know that is not how nessie's power works but try to put some imagination people! her powers could develop yah know. XD)**

"well it all started when your dad and i were dating." I giggled.

--FLASHBACK—

It was a Sunday afternoon and edward and his family was on a hunting trip so here i am bored to the point where i want to just stab myself with a pencil and die. I rolled out of bed feeling tired of doing homework and headed downstairs to grab something to eat. I opened the fridge and found a can of rootbeer. I instantly grabbed it thanking god that it's not beer. After standing in the kitchen looking like an idiot for a while, i decided to head outside and go for a walk to clear my mind. I just really miss edward even though he told me that he will be back later tonight. God, i'm so pathetic.

I headed outside not bothering to grab my jacket seeing that today is one of the rare days of forks when we could actually see and feel the heat of the sun.

I opened my rootbeer and started to take a few sips. I noticed that there was something off with the rootbeer but instead of just throwing it away, i took another sip. And another. And another. And another until the whole can was empty. I was a little wobbly when i tried to walk so i grabbed the fence to my left to help me continue my walk.

My head was throbbing and i think my world is spinning. I stopped walking and closed my eyes to try to clear my thoughts. It was a good few minutes that i was standing, more like wobbling there when the sound of thunder came followed by hard rain.

"great. Just my luck." I muttured to myself. Since i was not wearing my jacket, i deicded to head home wobbling.

It's now really pouring rain and i'm so soaking wet. I grummbled under my breath and hurried wobbling. When my house came to view, i fastened my pace just to get out of this cold wet rain. Stupid rain. On my way to the porch, i saw a blurred someone standing at the other end. I quickly thought it was edward so I yelled "Edward!" and started running, okay so me, running and rain is not such a good idea.

I was half way through the path way when i slipped on a pile of mud. I tried to balanced myself, which is not a very good idea at ALL so i fell hard on my butt and slipped all the towards the door. I thought i was going to hit edward but he was nowhere to be found. My butt hit the door with a loud 'bang' while my legs were up in the air leaning on the doorframe.

"ouch" i moaned as i tried to get up but there was no such luck. my whole lower side is aching from the impact.

i felt the door open then heard laughter. What the hell?

"oh shit." I heard a familiar voice muttered. I looked up and saw emmett on the door way vibrating. He was trying hard not to laughed that i think he is going to shit his pants.

"fine. Laughed it off!" i said as emmett's booming laughter surrounded the house. I rolled my eyes and held my hands up for him to help. He grabbed my hand, still shaking from laughter. When i was about to close the door, emmett seem to laughed louder pointing at something at the door.

When i looked down, there on the oak white door was the shape of my butt. I felt my self getting redder by every second and that's when emmett decided to took out his phone and took a picture of the door and me, of course. another embarassing picture of me for him to post on his twitter. damn.

"had a good mud bath bella?" he teased.

"ugh. Whatever emmett. If you ever try to spread that photo, i will kill you." I threatened half heartedly because i do not know how the hell i'm gonna kill him in my 'current' condition. Stupid human strength.

"oh. Scary." He taunted.

"why are you here anyway?" i asked irritated.

"well, i'm here as your baby sitter." He said proudly while pounding his fist on his chest like tarzan.

"really?" i asked incredulous. "your fired." I instantly added.

"aww. Don't be such a party poop bells. We are gonna have so much fun!" he boomed while plopping on the sofa and watching tv.

"fun my ass." I muttered as i headed to my room to change.

"actually your ass is on the door." Emmett yelled then started laughing hysterically.

I was blushing red like a tomato at his statement and i quickly took a shower and change my clothes. When i headed downstairs, emmett still on the couch watching tv so i headed over to the kitchen to grab a cereal and plopped down on the sofa to join emmett.

We were just watching for a few minutes when the door burst open to reveal edward and alice. edward looked annoyed while alice looked excited.

"edward." I jumped up from the couch and ran to edward's open arms. I kissed him on the lips and i heard him took deep breath then he tensed.

I looked up to him, confusion written over my features.

"bella, have you been drinking?" he asked stiffly.

"no. The only thing that i drank this morning was the rootbeer that i found in the frindge." I answered. Edward looked at alice and they both widened their eyes.

"bella, i think that's not rootbeer." Alice said quietly.

"what? I know it's root beer alice. i can read you know." I said while walking to the couch to sit beside emmett.

I crossed my arms against my chest and looked at the tv. I felt edward beside me and he murmured an apology. Of course, with him smelling so good with his arms wrapped around me, who wouldn't forgive him, right? He is like one chunk of chocolate that i couldn't resist.

"so emmett. What was that photo you sent us about?" alice asked nonchalantly from the armchair.

My eyes widened and i looked between emmett and alice. "what photo?" i asked, terrified.

"oh you know. The one i recently took." Emmett snickered.

I gasped then covered my mouth. "you didn't!"

"i just did." He smiled at me evilly and i stucked my tougue out at him.

"that pic was so funny. It was like some fool slapped his ass on the door." Alice said while her wind chime laughter surrounded the room.

"yeah. Who fool would even do that kind of thing?" edward said chuckling beside me.

At that point, my whole face is glowing red and emmett was rolling on the floor clutching his sides from laughter.

"apparently, that fool would be me." I mummbled softly but i'm sure as hell all of them heard me clearly.

**that's chapter one so far. review about what you think. and there is this grammar thing. if there is any wrong grammar. well i'm sorry. i'm human after all though i'll try my best to lessen the wrong. thank you guys!**

**~zhaydel**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 i'm wet! again.**

"that was so funny mom!" nessie laughed while clutching her sides.

"i didn't even know that was bella!" edward chuckled. I rolled my eyes beside them as they continued laughing.

"okay, next page." I said as they all try to contain their laughters.

"woah" jacob said when he saw the picture. "you look like a wet dog bella." He craked at his own joke while i growled at him.

"shut up" i muttered.

"oh! I remember this one. I was the one who took this picture." Alice laughed as she handed the pic to nessie.

"come on mom! Tell me about this." Nessie squealed.

"before i start, i'm blaming alice for this." I looked at alice and squinted my eyes at her.

"hey! It's not my fault you tried to ran!" she huffed beside me.

"i was running for my life!" i raised my hands, exasperated.

--FLASHBACK—

I was on my way to the grocery when a yellow porsche parked on the driveway. a certain evil pixie jumped out excitedly and ran humanly to my side.

"hey bella! What brings you here?" she asked.

"uhh.. i live here alice." i said slowly. she tilted her head to the side.

"huh. so, where are you going?" she asked innocently. too innocently i might add.

"to the grocery." I said slowly, looking suspiciously at her.

"reeeaalllyy" she dragged the word out while looking at me with her puppy dog eyes. My eye twitched and i instantly closed my eyes and held up a hand at her.

"no alice. you will not take me to go shopping. I'm just gonna go to the nearest store to buy stuff for dinner. " i said fastly and stepped away from the dangerous pixie.

"aww! Come on bella! It will be so much fun! I can see it now." She said while grabbing my hand and trying to drag me to her car.

"no! I do not want to submit to a very dangerous thing. I mean, what would edward say?" i said while freeing my arm from her evil clutches.

"come on bella! i already told charlie that you'll come home late and i asked for edward's permission" she whined as i freed myself away from her and instantly grabbed the nearest thing to me. A tree.

"no!" i yelled stubbornly as alice picked up my ankles and pulled me from the tree.

"bella!"

"never!" i shrieked.

"fine." She said then dropped my ankles to the ground which made me drop my face to the tree's lower trunk.

I blinked in amazement and looked at her. "really?" i asked.

"yeah" she replied defeatedly and walked slowly to her car with her head down. And when i meant slowly, it means reeeaally slowly.

I grinned and patted myself on the back mentally for actually winning an arguement with alice. i raised my hands in the air and started dancing crazily.

When i was actually enjoying myself, i turned around to see a very angry pixie heading my way. At that time, there was only one word that popped right into my head. Run. And that's what i did.

I ran away from her inspite of her being a vampire but i gotta take my chances right? So i headed straight to the corner of the street and i thought i was really winning when a splash of water came my way when the stupid pixie's yellow car came by.

I heard her laughing her evil laugh while i was standing soaking wet from head to toe like a wet cat. I gave her the finger as i headed my way back to the house. When i got there, charlie's cruiser was already parked on the drive way and he was sitting on the couch. When he looked up at me, his eyes widened and his mouth hanged open.

"what the hell happened to you?" he asked loudly.

"next time you ever, EVER gave alice the permission to go shopping with me, just make sure you sleep with your one eye open old man." I said through gritted teeth as i held up two fingers to my eyes and pointed them at charlie as if saying that 'i'm keeping my eye on you'.

I headed upstairs grumbling about how stupid shopping is and how i wanted to kill a certain good and supportive vampire boyfriend that starts with an 'e' and ends with a 'd'.

**so... how's dat? tell me what you think people! **

**~zhaydel**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 false alarm**

"that was just plain cruel aunt alice." nessie said while shaking her head from side to side.

"yeah. But still, so cool. I mean i can't believe bella actually did that." Jake said while chuckling.

"hey! If i could punch a werewolf in the face, i could do everything." I said smugly.

"whatever." He rolled his eyes.

"so what happened to dad after that? Did you actually _killed_ him?" nessie asked while giggling, edward on the other hand looked pale than the usual. I laughed at him.

"well, i gave him a boner then kicked him out of my room." I answered while looking at my nails. I heard jacob and alice laughed out loud and i grinned at my husband.

"learned my lesson the hard way." He muttured. Nessie patted his arm sympathetically and i kissed him on the cheek.

"damn right." I grinned.

I opened the next page and i grinned at the blurry memory.

"hey, isn't this one involved jasper in it?" i asked.

"yeah. That was a very... interesting moment." Alice answered.

"what moment?" we heard someone asked from the door. Jasper was standing there with his arns crossed against his chest.

"oh! Honey, come on here. Bella is telling her great klutzy adventures!" alice squealed as jasper grinned and he went instantly to alice's side.

I smiled at jasper and started my story.

--FLASHBACK—

Edward and i were on our way to the cullen house when edward spoke up.

"love, i would like to remind you that the house is currently under construction so we should be extra careful." He said while rubbing soothing circles on my hand.

"why is it under construction?" i asked

"emmett and jasper deicided to throw each other against the walls and esme got pissed and threw both of them to another wall." He said nonchalantly like it was an everyday thing for them.

My mouth was hanging open and my hand was up like 'what the hell?' he looked at me innocently.

"what?" he asked oblivious at the fact that his mother, esme, just threw his brothers at a wall.

"nevermind." I rolled my eyes at him as the car came to a stop .

He got me out of the car and we walked hand in hand towards the door. We walked inside and was met by emmett and jasper painting the room.

"hey guys!" emmett greeted while jumping down the ladder.

We plopped down to the couch and talked for a bit of time. At around seven, my stomach started grumbling so edward decided to make me dinner which is so sweet considering he doesn't eat. I smiled at him then nodded. A few minutes later, i have the urge to go to the bathroom so i went to the upstairs bathroom. I opened the door and there was splash and now i'm soaked, again, from head to toe with a red gooey substance.

I lifted my arm and groaned loudly. I could not believe this. I heard laughter, a very familiar laughter that i could recognized from miles away.

"emmett." I said through gritted teeth.

I stomped downstairs angrily, i might add, and frantically looked for the stupid vampire. When i came to view, jasper's eyes widened and he immediately covered his mouth and his nose.

"no jasper. This isn't what it looks like." I said as i walked slowly to him. He shook his head and backed away from me as i took another step towards him.

"come on jas. Just take a whiff. It's not really bl—" i was cut off when edward came into the room holding a tray of deliscious looking lasagna and him wearing a very cute very adorable baby pink apron.

Emmett's laughter became boisterous at the sight of him. And i muffled my laughter by covering my mouth. Jasper on the other hand was still staring at me like i'm a piece of crap that was about to be thrown at him.

"bella!" edward screamed (i think a little bit girly) and ran to my side. I could see he isn't breathing just like jasper.

"no. I'm fine guys. It's just tha—" i was cut off again when he carried me bridal style and ran outside and called for the others for help.

"emmett! Stop laughing and start helping! Bella is covered in blood you idiot!" jasper shouted from inside and i still could hear emmett laughing. Probably rolling on the floor by now.

I rolled my eyes at them and started to calm edward out but he wasn't having any. I huffed at him and glared at the darkness. But you know, if you could see our situation from another person's point of view, it was rather hilarious.

Just try to imagine edward, wearing a pink apron with lace, carrying me around like a mad man shouting bloody murder. Yep, that should do it. We looked ridiculous. No wonder emmett was in hysterics.

"don't worry bella. Just keep awake and stay with me." He said worriedly. If he could cry, i think he would.

I pouted at him and just thought to play with him for a bit while. I feigned feeling sick and moaned in mock pain. I lifted my hand to my forehead as if i was really dying.

"no bella! Please just stay with me. I'll give you everything just stay with me" he cried out loud. My eyes almost popped out at what he said.

"everything?" i asked slyly as i wrapped my arms around his neck. He nodded without hesitation and i fought a smile.

I then roughly grabbed the front of his shirt and he lowered his head to mine.

"edward" i whispered.

"no bella! No!" he screamed out loud. I relaxed onto his hands and i simply went limp. He was clutching me and kissing my face. I giggled under his touch and kissed him on lips then jumped out of his arms.

"thanks honey! I'll keep your promise in mind!" i yelled over my shouder as i ran inside the house to get cleaned.

"bella!"

--END OF FLAASHBACK—

"okay, so let me get this straight, emmett unintentionally helped you to get dad to have sex with you on your honeymoon?" nessie asked looking incredously.

"yep." I said, smiling goofily.

"damn emmett and his pranks" edward muttered.

I looked at him sternly and nessie looked at him shocked. Nessie jutted out her lips and her cute unforgivable doggy eyes. Edward shot her an alarmed look.

"oh. That's not what i mean honey. It's not that i hate you being here. I love you more than my own life! It's.. uh i just hate it that i hurt your mother like that." He said then bowed his head.

I patted him symphatetically at the hand while nessie kissed him on the cheek.

"it's okay daddy, i understand." I rolled my eyes. Always the daddy's little girl.

"so how is jasper involve in this story?" jake asked.

I grinned at him. "when i went inside, jasper was hyperventilating like hell. I didn't even know that was possible for a vampire!" i exclaimed.

"yeah, for someone who actually calms others, he really is pretty hard to calm down. We have to get alice to seduce him just so he would listen that bella was really covered in red paint, not blood." Edward laughed as jasper buried his face on alice's hair.

"but how come dad didn't realize that your heart is still beating when your faking?" nessie asked looking at edward differently. We all looked at him expectantly wondering the same thing.

"i was overcome with emotion!" we rolled our eyes at him.

"emotion? What are you, a girl?" jacob sneered at him while all the girls looked at him fiercedly.

"ohhh.. bad thing to say dog." Jasper muttered.

**review about it people! please! oh and i'm posting up to chapter five to see if there is an impact to some readers. so be prepared to give me your reviesw and stuff..**

**~zhaydel  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 the force of the kitchen cabinets**

After we beated the crap out of jacob, throwing a few things here and there at him, nessie, alice and i finally calmed down and went back to our places. jacob crawled over to his place while trying to look strong like we didn't hurt him at all. ppbbfft!

The next page on my journal made me laughed out. The others looked at me differently while alice just laughed with me. I am so silly when i was human. Now that i think of it, i did had a lot of crazy moments especially with the cullens. I smiled at myself and looked at the others' curious looks.

"what?" i asked

"you're staring off to space again. Are you gonna tell us the rest of your adventures or what?" jasper replied, grinning like a kid on christmas. I smiled sheepishly at them and showed them the picture on the page.

"ohhh" Jacob said rubbing his forehead as if that happened to him.

"yeah, i know." I shrugged.

--FLASHBACK--

ding dong!**(A/N: i don't really know if that's the sound of a doorbell but let's just pretend. ok?)**

"Charlie! Could you get the door!" i yelled over at my lazy father who grunted in response. Okay. So here i am cooking my ass off trying to make sure that everything will be perfect for the dinner tonight. Yep. The dinner with the cullens that my father insisted, which made all of us (including carlisle) groan. They are freakin' vampires! They don't eat!

I huffed in annoyance as I stirred the chiken soup while keeping an eye at the oven. I was like a tornado inside the kitchen that no one even bothered to help knowing that they'll just loose a limb if they did.

I opened a few kitchen cabinets at the top trying to find the paprika and other spices. I knelt down to open those at the bottom when i heard some bustling near the stove. My eyes widened.

"hey what's this?" asked Emmett holding the small bottle of paprika in his hands, which is by the way, upside down, dangerously hanging under my chicken soup.

"No Emmett!" i shouted at him and stood up quickly trying to run to him and grab the spice but when i was i about to run, my face smacked with the cabinet door making my head bounce and i grabbed my forehead, clutching it for dear life.

"oww" i groaned. I clutched the nearest thing beside me and i felt the handle of the fridge. I heard footsteps coming to the kitchen and then i felt cold arms around me.

"bella what happened?" Edward asked with a worried expression on his face.

"oh. You know, the usual. Me butting heads with the cabinet door." I shrugged and i felt his eyes widened as he rubbed my forehead.

He turned his head slowly to a laughing Emmett and i heard him growl. Emmett instantly stopped laughing and putting his arms up in the air.

"hey, it's not my fault the cabinet doors are about to get bella" he shrugged then walked out of the kitchen leaving an open mouthed Edward and a very bad looking chicken soup filled with paprika.

--END OF FLASHBACK—

"that was so silly, mom!" nessie giggled beside me. Edward rolled his eyes and i grinned at her.

"yeah. I just wish someone got a picture of an open mouthed Edward." Jacob cackled from the carpet.

"oh i do!" alice squealed raising her hand in the air while the other pulling a picture from her jacket. Before anyone did anything, i grabbed it quickly and with one look, i was on the ground clutching my sides from laughter. Jacob did the same and we were both in hysterics.

"jeez. I never imagined my mother and husband would be rolling on the floor like dogs." Nessie muttered under her breath.

"well it does suit the dog." Jasper chuckled. Alice bounced on his lap and started grinning like a maniac.

"oohh! Maybe we could trai—"

"no, alice. i'm already trained." Jacob said seriously.

"pbbfft! Yeah, says the guy who peed on our bed last night" nessie mumbled which made the whole room roared into laughter except for an embarrassed Jacob.

**one word. REVIEW!**

**~zhaydel  
**


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